liveblog 22/12/25

00:11: eyes water during the dad’s poem. Consider walking out the open balcony doors and seeing the view from halfway down. 

00:16: Episode finishes. Enjoy the hospital beep credit sounds. I use the bathroom. 

Anita starts the next episode, but I tell her to stop, we should discuss it. We chat about parental issues, today’s tears, depression. I say not six minutes pass without me thinking of {redacted}ing myself. We speak about being proud of each other. How both Anita and I are scared of coming off as controlling but neither of us have attachment to what we say.

01:17: Leave. Some guy I thought was hot messages me ‘I’ve been afk. Doing something mysterious.’

I respond with ‘That’s okay. I’m really grateful you replied because if you hadn’t I would have sent ‘I miss us’ because I like sending that to people I randomly stop talking to from dating apps’
Drive home listening to 
Manic Monday x2
American Teenager (on full volume, yelling every word)
Sarah Lynn’s Don’t Stop Dancing Reprise x2
At one point I see how long I can drive without touching the wheel. Six seconds. 

01:46: Hot guy replies ‘You didnt need to say it, i felt your spiritual pressure’ then shares details about his day. I send him a photo of my bedroom wall. I realise we didn’t talk for a few days because even though we met on Grindr, he’s probably not gay, just curiously dl. But he’s schizophrenic and autistic, so very attractive. 

02:24: Pop what I think is half a sleeping pill but really is a chunk of dexie. Fuckfcukfickfuck I have work tomorrow. Pop 1.5 sleeping pills to make up for it.

02:35: randomly crave a voice message from any hot guy barking.. ughhhh. Kyle used to bark for me whenever I pleased. And he’d give me his dirty underwear as a treat. I want to be his dog. NOTICED::: MISTAKING THE EXPERIENCE OF WANTING FOR A GUARANTEE OF HAPPINESS.

02:49: See the ig bio ‘I shop therefore I am’ and feel disgusted. Schizophrenic hot guy confirms he’s straight by saying he’s watching lord of the rings.

03:03: Every day I dream of kicking it with Candace Owens. I should sleep.

07:41: So groggy. Major morning wood. Had a dream but don’t remember.  Think ‘I’m not gonna check phone’ but do it anyway. 
Screenshot answers to the flop era hacks question box on my story. 
Open DMs w schizo hot guy and he’s been talking to himself about anime. So sexy. 

07:56: Remember part of my dream – Sean Ford came to New Zealand and we queened out. 
Line up two racks of Vyvanse on a plate, lick one. My mouth tastes like ass (figuratively, literal ass tastes better). 

08:13: Post on story. Read one of the Bondi victim’s names as ‘Peter Thiel.’ Feel mild sadness we never got to date. Realise it’s not the billionaire, then feel bad for the victim’s family.

09:01: Trapped on Instagram. Ask chat gpt ‘My balls are kind of flakey as if they have dandruff. What does this mean?’ — I’ve been picking at them for the last 30 mins. Feel a sense of mourning thinking I may have to stop using c-gpt soon because of the naughty ‘country’s’ influence. Despite all wealthy countries creating social media campaigns & flooding the algorithm with bots that repeat phrases, I feel frustrated that the naughty country is reinforcing yet another negative stereotype. Want to ask the robot how it feels about naughty country’s six million dollar contract with Clock Tower X LLC. Takes a while to convince myself that robot doesn’t have feelings & will go where the money goes.

09:30 Notice same moral licensing of thinking about going for walk and feeling that’s good enough instead of actually doing it. Grrrr. But phone so fun this morning ..

10:01: Cousin’s upstairs doing dishes. I’m chowing down Nectarines and oats, yapping about not wanting to get ready for work between each mouthful. 

10:16: Wish a certain activity that once happens once in our lives on Nicki Minaj. Wonder if my brain’ll ever be so fried I become republican. 
Listen to music to change thoughts. 
Life is a never-ending show, old sport
Except the minor detail that it ends. 

10:20: Be careful what you wish for: Manager texts that someone hasn’t shown up, so I have to go in early… don’t have time to get ready. I clean my teeth, throw on the same fit as yesterday, and lime to work.
Lime notes:

• Alarm plays for a minute – don’t turn it off til I reach a traffic light. 
• Imagine a police officer yelling at me for not wearing a helmet. 
• Lady and her bitchass dog on a longass leash take up the whole sidewalk. I get off my lime to walk around them. 
• Someone from a white car yells at me cos I cut them off…, but really they blocked the crossing. 
• Think not listening to Chappel Roan is a good sign 
• Hit each traffic light with the back of my wrist 
• Bitter taste of sunscreen seeps into my mouth
• Screen time lock actually stops me from checking IG at traffic lights… Yay! 

11:30: Arrive. Someone stinks. For two seconds, I can’t tell if it’s my coworkers or me. 
I yap about how depressed I’ve been. Transparency is fun. One says, “But you seem really bubbly.”
“It’s authentic, but smiles feel hollow; not accompanied by the warmth I feel when I’d usually smile,” I reply. 

13:06: Run out back to text a friend, then forget who I was meant to message as soon as I sat down. End up scrolling for 15 minutes. 
Think I need to put condoms in my bags. 

14:59: Customer calls me a cunt because ‘we can say cunt now’ 

15:00: 18-year-old coworker asks for relationship advice—Is it okay to find other people attractive when dating someone? Am I a bad person for dating this girl when I don’t know if I want to be with her forever, even though I love her so much?
I share my thoughts. He tells my coworkers I’m really smart and give the best advice. 

15:21: Screenshot some guy’s story. I’ve formed a habit of it. Even when he’s ugly, I still screenshot. I love him. We’ve spoken like thrice. 

15:58: Wonder if I keep my eyes open long enough, will I start crying? I want an excuse to sit in the backroom on my phone. 

16:30: Finish work, lime to Theodora’s. Within minutes of arriving, I’m talking bout how “A gay’s job is to surround himself with women who enjoy being catcalled.”

17:20: We head to the supermarket. Inside, I sound schizophrenic as I yell about how manipulative supermarkets are, how they give us brain damage by annihilating our dopamine centres. Theodora asks if the solution is online shopping, then retracts her question. “Supermarkets are the one time I’m forced to see people. I’ve started doing the thing you do now, about prioritising a cashier instead of the self-checkout, for more human connection,” she says.
I make us walk to Jet’s work and wave through the window. 

18:16: Back at Theodora’s, she puts on the Candace Owens vs 20 feminists vid. At times, Candace’s charisma is so infectious that her arguments almost convince me. She can be somewhat right, but approaches the subject from an edgy lens. 
Theodora says most of the feminists look like shit. 

18:40: Theodora asks whether she should buy Ugg boots or an off-brand. I say buy them in 20 weeks’ time, but she wants them for summer. “Buy fake ones now, and if you wear them so much, invest in the real pair during winter,” I say, then feel sick because I’ve encouraged overconsumption. 

19:13: “Candace totally hits her kids,” Theodora says. 

19:25: I’m kicked out so Theodra can tidy. Lime to my bus stop. I stare at some guy who looks 78% like Kyle. He takes a photo of me staring. 
The bus stop vents sound like Ribs by Lorde. I lean my ear on them. 

19:39: Some family decides to sit directly next to me. Feel really mad. The kids squeal and yell. Feel guilty when I see how excited they are. Offer the family my seat so they can all sit in the same row, even though every other seat is empty. 
Lie catatonic, neck flopped over the seat behind, blinking slowly, watching the building tops pass me by. 

19:49: The family gets off the bus. I move back to my original seat. 

19:58: Get bored of audiobook podcast cos they’re just talking about the book, not reading it .. put on slayyyter instead. Feel like a stripper … imagine lifting my lefts up like how they clapped in that one Anora screening 

20:07: tell a girl she’s beautiful as I’m leaving. Miss my stop by two cos we ki. I ask for her ig and accidentally follow her from the meme account.
On my walk home I pretend my jeans rubbing against my thighs are someone else’s hands. 

20:14: Get home, room smells like boy. Light vanilla candle. Take my jeans off even tho a person I’m meant to be ‘just friends’ with is coming over.
Things that happen on phone:
Read slayyyer lyrics, get horny and slightly emotional.
Someone talks about February 2017 by Charli. I hit play and relate hard.
Laugh at “probably racist and ableist but i thought rosalia was retarded like i thought her thing was she is a mentally disabled pop star”
Think of the time I said Madonna has more impact than MLK 
Want to do a bit where I reply to strangers’ selfies saying, “Didn’t you get run off Twitter?”

20:40: Benson walks into my room, comments on how dark it is. My curtains are shut with the only sources of light being my candle and phoen screen.
We get really high. 
He puts his arm over my shoulders as we watch The Thing.
Barely ten minutes in and he’s giving me a handjob.
Pause the movie.
“Can we listen to music?” He asks.
“Play what you want”
He puts on Crack Clouds Over Arts Kitchen. We listen twice.
Don’t remember what order things happen in but 
Tears in my eyes when I recognise the Kreayshawn sample. 
Music is magical. 
Give each other head.
Smoke more.
Benson informs me Black Kray and sickboyrari are the same person. I feel *bonk emoticon meme*
Cuddle. I put effort into being present rather than just lying there. 
Dance while lying down, hands up, rockstar pose.
Make a list of who I need to send this mixtape to, and realise I’m not friends with half of them. 
Benson asks if he should stay.
“No, I don’t like waking up next to people.”
Kind of miss him when he’s gone.