liveblog 21/12/25

08:28: waiting outside the bathroom door cos my brothers taking a piss 

It feels like ages but it’s only been two minutes. I ask how long he’ll take, he says he’s taking a shit. 

I didn’t need to go I just wanted to stick a qtip in my ear. I walk back downstairs and use a pen instead. 

I have work in three hours and I feel like I’m at the reaping for the hunger games. 

08:36: Post on story ‘Ways to be less depressed / like yourself more ? The weirder the better,’ with a question box asking for anti flop era tips 

08:51: Post on ig, delete the photos. 

09:06: Write down some answers to my story. My favourite so far are from the same girl 

‘Take walks w no headphones n only come home once you’ve talked to a total stranger’ 

‘Find a rlly old piece of clothing you don’t wear anymore and make it work’

My plan is to try every single one of these tips and make a blog post about it. I’m live-blogging today to get into the rhythm of documenting. Also, I wasted every single day between when I stopped liveblogging and now. Well, I went to the beach (went on my phone). Went to a secret santa thing (I couldn’t believe any compliment I got was sincere; i interpreted all as pity, then spent a third of the party lying in my friends bed staring at the wall). I hooked up with someone (I woke up in the middle of the night to him clawing me).

09:10 Check message requests from story about dick scent. Apparently clean dick should smell and taste like avocado. 

10:02: have deleted 1.5k photos 

10:19: Grapes, oats, chia seeds, raspberries. Birds tweet from inside my walls. Sometimes the chirps are cute but this one’s loud and repetitive. I record a video of it and mom starts to recount a story from when I was little. I cut her off, “I’m trying to record a bird,” I say without turning to toward her. She leaves the room. 

10:30: Mom’s car isn’t in the driveway. Text her “Sorry I didn’t mean to cut you off , and I’m still interested in hearing the story! I just wanted to record the bird while it was chirping without other sounds in the background.” 

I suppose I should shower. My parts are salty. 90 mins til work. 

10:39: clean teeth. My collarbones look amaaaziiinggg. Face? Not so much. 

Shower was normal, except chunks of my hair fell out when I washed it. 

10:57: First thought about Kyle of the day. Impressive it took 2 hours! Train of thought was 

>I wonder what I’ll learn next in the self control book 

>I liked learning about moral licensing. I’m guilty of that. 

>I wish I cared more. How can I improve when nothing matters? 

>Kyle matters. 

Macie texts saying I should swap a shift at work so I can work with her instead. I’d rather work with Macie than anyone else, but I don’t want to ask anyone to swap shifts. I don’t reply. 

11:15: My outfit’s more suited for the depths of autumn than classic early summer, and I’m presenting more emo than I’d like to be. Accidentally put shoes on wrong way. 

Pack my bag for work. Bring a towel in case I wanna beach—nearly packed the cum towel cos I was too lazy to get a new one. 

11:32: A child screams from an apartment balcony, upset her mom’s leaving. The scream rattles like a ball whistle. 

11:35: Bus drives past as I’m about to cross the street.

Bus stop smells like piss. 

Walk 10 meters away, still smells like piss. 

Walk another ten. Pissy, but not as harsh. Lay towel on ground as a seat. 

11:44: open self control book. Learn “When dopamine is released by one promise of reward, it also makes you more susceptible to any other kind of temptation. For example, erotic images make men more likely to take financial risks, and fantasizing about winning the lottery leads people to overeat.”

Recall something I forgot to blog this morn: I felt like going for a walk, but the thought itself took so much energy that it felt like going for a walk. Then I thought ‘im getting better and on track to my goals’ just cos I thought about going for a walk. Prime example of moral licensing. 

Scrunch my hair. Flakes of dandruff fall. 

11:50: Bus arrives. Walk through pissy scent and worry I’m contaminated. Realise I forgot to wear perfume and feel disgusted with myself. 

12:06: Look in bus mirror; my facial hair patchy, gross. Get off bus. Jog to work. A strangers perfume smells like Jet’s, another’s laces drag across the ground. 

12:10: Cowoekrr compliments my outfit. I think I look a bit retarded but I take it. She tells me take as long as I need to get ready so I take advantage of that 

12:45: Flirtatiously smile n giggle w each person that comes in. customer says they’re going to come back just for me 

13:09: balance eftpos machine on my head cos I’m already bored 

13:44: Catch myself daydreaming about Kyle, looking after him, hugging him, apologising to him. 

14:09: I skip around the store pretending I’m a pony 

14:39: serve a delicate lady with a south African accent, A middle aged woman with amazing dark lip makeup,  A father holding his kid w a scar on its forehead. 

14:50: Coworker saying something about Marty supreme. I don’t understand. 

15:00: Call Blessica. She’s not home but I lime to her place anyway. 

15:25: Make small talk w some chick in the elevator. 

Pace around Blessy’s appartment 

Anita says I look beautiful. My brain thinks ‘one day you’ll stop saying that,’ but I say “thank you.” 

15:42: Anita calls her dad. He says ‘Yass’ to something. She says she’s going to date mark Zuckerberg to make her father’s life easier. 

I feel like closing the curtains to sit in the dark, but Anita wouldn’t like that. 

15:59: Anita uses the bathroom and says she’s had a tampon in for two days. She didn’t know it was in there because the string was caught in her butt cheeks. I ask if the string was pooey. She didn’t look.

16:33: Blessy gets home. says her feet stink. I’m on dating apps asking people if they’re DL cos they’re ashamed of their sexuality or if they’re cheating. 

17:24: Swap phone for book. Have a glass of wine. 

17:45: Shocked at the line ‘We mistake the experience of wanting for a guarantee of happiness.’ Actually feel sick at how hard it hits. Dafuq. 

Book says it’s hard to distinguish between the promise of reward and whatever pleasure or payoff we are seeking… and the promise is so powerful that we continue to pursue things that don’t make us happy, and consume things that bring us more misery… need to put book down for a bit…… Explains why I’m thinking about my ex all the time. FUGHCK. UGHHHHH. I should kill my self 😭😭😭😭😭 /j of course but sortakinda not ..

18:13: sneak several spoonfuls of Blessy’s hummus. A man on sniffies asks how I’m single. I say it’s likely my personality. Then ramble about how I’m picky. I don’t speak about how I don’t fit into Auckland’s conventionally attractive category. 

18:31: Blessy wakes from a nap. Anita says something and Blessy responds “that’s nasty.”

19:00-ish: Someone leaves the room to make a phone call. 

Can hear faint sobs through the wall. 

20:00-ish: Lots of comfort. Lots of girls hugging time. Ask if my advice was good. The answer: ‘most of the time’

20:30: Blessy and I play hinge. I make her match with a transphobe. 

We then play reels. Well, she does, and I tell her the reels are pissing me off and it makes me feel like we’re dating because the only times I tolerate short form video content is when it’s my boyfriend enjoying it next to me. But even then I hate it. 

Anita says we should watch Bojack, as she’s on the last season. She says I’m Sarah Lynn. Everyone tells me I’m Sarah Lynn. We can’t find the remote, then convo moves elsewhere. 

21:32: Blessy asks me to come to the supermarket. I make her buy me a treat. Wanted to compliment a guys tattoos but didn’t. When we get back I eat three ice creams. Brodie arrives and we talk about photography and share life stories. 

23:54: Anita puts on the bojack horseman episode ‘the view from halfway down’ and makes us tea. 

Bojack’s written exactly like the creators book. Corny but darkly relatable. Sarah Lynn says it has to mean something that her nudes got leaked to sell more concert tickets because it created more joy.