liveblog 06/12/25

00:01: On the wall are two posters, a magazine pull out of an anime girl and a giant Marilyn Monroe. Flowers in the Attic & My Year of Rest And Relaxation stack atop her chest of drawers. We smoke the joint I found on the floor. It tasted weird, like the time I accidentally spilled perfume on a pack of Virginia Slims and thought they just tasted like that. I want to lean on either Nicole or Archie, but that feels like CSA.  We talk more about: 

• Audrey Hobert: I think her visuals, lyrics, and face are great, but I don’t like how her music sounds  
• I explain that even if someone says they’re woke, if all of their beefs are with women they’re still a misogynist 
• How I cannot for the life of me remember one of my close friends in high school. Even seeing photos of her didn’t ring a bell. 
• How the best Taylor Swift lyrics are the ones where she states facts ie cancelled all my plans in case you’d call. We then make fun of the line ‘I can reclaim this land,’ and Nicole makes fun of me for knowing the line off the top of my head 
• Dasha, AHS, and dimes square movies 
• Books that feel like scrolling 
• The ig repost feature 
• Nicole’s brick friend Salo. 
• I explain all the mean things I said about a mutual of ours, Marie, and accidentally say I feel bad for her because she has a horrible life

When Archie leaves I tell Nicole I’m disappointed in his music taste. She hopes he integrates well with ‘the scene.’ I say it’s easier to do as a gay guy than as a woman, and the key to making friends is to keep showing up, even if no one wants you there, not that that applies to either of them. 

01:00: I walk to the cruising spot and love how bright the moon was. 
My tabis still make clomp sounds even though I’m walking on earthy gravel. Rats dart through the foliage.
A man wearing a ‘almost cool if it was 2009’ fit approaches me.
I change the song I’m listening to from lola young to bass victim just in case he’s a tiktoker who wants to interview me about what I’m listening to 
He me around the abdomen like he’s trying to steal my phone. 
“Do you play a sport?” He asks. 
“No”
He’s too close to my ear. “You would look so hot playing sport, find one you love.”
“I’ve tried.”
He tugs my my shirt up. My abdomen looks like some amateur photographers white borders ig feed. 
“Don’t play rugby,” he says. “They will break your little bones.”
“I won’t.”
“Do you want to get fucked tonight?”
“Not really. And I don’t have a condom”
He lifts his shirt. I feel good knowing my body is more taut than his. 
“You’re so handsome,” he says. 
“Thanks. You probably are too but I don’t have my glasses on and you’re wearing a cap so I can’t tell.”
“I’m not.”
“Aw.”
He tells me he thought I was a girl at first and was worried he would make me scream, but then I smiled to myself and my smile makes me look like I love cock. I ask him when he was last tested and he says three years ago.
I laugh, remove his hands from me, then lime to my car. 

01:30: Got a bacon cheeseburger for $6 from Wendy’s. Drove home to Kesha. Went straight to bed. Fell asleep around 3. 

08:30: briefly woke to sore legs. 

09:30: Woke to my brother blasting the worst music in the world. I head upstairs and turn it off. He yells at me and calls me a wanker. 

09:45: My brother comes back with a small nug of weed and asks to exchange it to borrow my clothes. I accept but say I’d like our relationship to be less transactional. 
I ask him to try on my single that says ‘I have lots of gay sex’ and he declines 

09:52:  I pop a dexie with a litre of of tomato juice and eat breakfast. Cold, but I don’t wanna put on a shirt. 
I overhear my brother talk about a ‘bitch’ who sent videos of her throwing up all night

10:15: I go outside to sunbathe. Texted Nicole ‘Loved hanging w u last night so much queen’
My brother and his friends scrap in the driveway. 

10:22: I see a photo of my mom on the fridge and think she’s the most gorgeous woman in the world 
I text Archie ‘It was so lovely properly meeting you last night! Send me the deets of the photog thing you got on this eve !!’
A builder with a Canadian accent knocks on the door and asks if my dad’s home. I say no and get scared he’s cheating on my mom even though I have no reason to suspect that. I call him, he says he’s on a run. 

11:23: Need to get ready for work but updating blog instead

11:57: The uber to work smells like cigarettes. It’s making me not horny but something close (phone autocorrected that to big horny and I considered leaving it)
Phone ab to die. Text my manager that I’ll be 10 mins late. 
She replies saying she’s not even working today. Fml. 
Wearing a shirt back to front cos the back has a big hole in it and I wanna show off my sternum. Tiny shorts and compression socks that double as knee-highs. 
Uber driver gives me a funny look for taking a selfie. 

12:23: My prettiest coworker says she’s leaving in a week cos she got a random scholarship 
I steal two drinks from the fridge and audio-hallucinate a phone call.  

13:11: Trying on the new fashion.  

Conscious that if I buy anything the managers will which size I choose. 

Realise I have w sweat patches which is funny cos I was just thinking about a guy I bullied in high school who has sweat patches. He deserved it cos he’d always steal my chocolate. 
New Coworker calls a woman mama and she gets upset. 

14:28: Microwaving some lunch I left here a couple weeks ago. It’s making funny pop sounds but I guess that’s what happens when you microwave things 

15:15: Some really hot guy, kinda short, tan, with bleached hair comes in. He checks out my prettiest coworker. He takes his hat off as he tries a couple things on and he becomes less hot. 
(He’s bald) 
New coworker makes a mistake and I don’t want to correct him because he’s trying really hard and doing well, but pretty coworker saves the day. 

16:00: Afterpay the skirt even though I have store credit because I wanna wear it tonight. There’s a gig on right by the cruising spot and I think that’s hilarious.  

16:11: Lime scooter home. Such a vibe. They need to make Auckland roads flatter so I don’t have to adjust the pressure in my knees so often. Sun is bright, wind in hair. 

16:29: Arrive home. Sit outside the front door to soak in the light. A black cat struts up to me and rubs itself on my bag, then rolls onto its back. I pat it for a while then lie in the lounge. 
There’s a Christmas tree up. It’s wonky and smell as a Christmas tree should. 
Find out the gig I was looking forward to is probably canceled and regret buying the skirt. 

5:20: Cook two oven bake pizzas , one pepperoni one meat lovers. I burn myself on the first and say ouch. My dad doesn’t turn to look. 

17:31: Scoff both, feel really bloated, bordering on nauseated. Pop a dexie in hopes some evening plans manifest. 
An nyc friend I gave head to looks good on his Instagram stories. I wish I could give him head again. Couldn’t get it up when we hooked up cos was on too much coke. I wonder what he saw in me. Hes got quite a clean cut aesthetic. Contrary to what I’ve live-blogged, im often vicious with personal hygiene, but I’m still a dirty looking person. 
I comment ‘stunning’ and other compliments on photos of cute guys on the Tulsamugshots ig page. One of the guys looks like my ex Marcus when we first met. 
Feel really for all the arrested people except for the ones who push fent or P or do bad stuff to kids. 
Stomach contorts. Shouldn’t have had two pizzas. 
I feel sad about the Oklahoma university controversies and Netflix’s monopoly, so I scroll through an account that believes the government hire disabled people to covertly harass targeted individuals.
I get bored enough to miss my exes, and resist the urges to play league. 

18:40: Check Kyle’s profile on one of those anonymous ig story view websites. Feel like a character in Tony Tulathimutte’s ‘Rejection.’ Archie texts to say the photography at an auction is really good. I feel incompetent that it slipped my mind and annoyed he didn’t invite me earlier. I walk to my room to have a game of league. As I get to my laptop, a friend posts on her story ‘When you remember life isn’t about finding yourself, it’s about creating yourself >>>,’ and it almost stops me from gaming

19:00: I listen to Sue Me by Audrey Hobert five times in a row 

20:11: Lars calls me

20:58: I hang up on Lars to answer Theodora’s call. She says she’s getting a burger and will call me back after. 

21:20: I’m playing so poorly at league. Im not even having fun but I don’t know what else to do. I take a quetiapine.  Someone attractive on Grindr asks me to come over but I’d fall asleep behind the wheel. (I know it’s smote, but) I think god smited me for buying the skirt. He evaporated my evening plans due to my poor decision making, then tested to see if I’d make it on my own. 
Not consciously, but this eve I mostly hit up people who I knew would be busy or I wasn’t expecting a reply from. 
I didn’t drive to any of the open events. I didn’t push myself to go to a random bar, which I’ve dreamed of doing forever. 
I like the accountability of having to post this. 
I need to make a to do list. 
Tomorrow first task: rubbish and food out of room. 

23:24: When alone, I often prefer to sleep baggy tee and my bottom half undressed, but took a long while for me to take my underwear off tonight. 

23:44: Theoroda texts me ‘Imysmmmm’ and says we should film a music video to ‘shots on the hood of my car’ by Kesha tomorrow. I say let’s, then type ‘gn bae,’ but just as I’m about to hit send she asks Wud, and I wait for her to tell me she’s in bed before I tell her I’m about to sleep. Even though I’m drowsy from the Q pill, if she had plans, I woulda gone.
Lizzy asks what I’m up to but I don’t reply.