liveblog 27/12/25

00:10: Listen to Fleetwood Mac cos I heard ‘Silver Springs’ in a tiktok. I like when put on a random track and hear the voices that taught my mom to sing. 

Leave my phone on overnight so I can swipe on a very attractive profile in morning. 

06:53: Forgot about my screen time lock. Have lost the sexy profile. 

07:10: Stand outside for two minutes because sunlight within the first 30 mins of waking is important. Back inside I choke on my medication and drop my water bottle on the floor. Feet wet. Carpet damp. Head back to bed. Techno song on repeat.

08:18: Wasted another hour on phone. Added to ‘anti flop era hacks’ and started a mega ‘to do’ list. Want to call in sick. 

08:40: I’m eating Greek yogurt and chia seeds. Mom got back from a walk, she’s wearing tights that say #raiseawareness #nevergiveup. She points out the rash on my face again. Need to leave for work. Guess it’s day 5(?) without showering. Takes a lot to not smash my bowl on my face. Drive half way to work then lime the other. Get straight in to sending orders. 

10:44: Tried shitting in the dark cos someone said dim bathrooms and no mirrors help w depression. Wasn’t particularly interesting. Turned the lights on and wiped until I bled. 

11:26: Foliculitis playin up. Pluck hairs w my fingers. 

Someone compliments my nails again, thinks they’re intentionally half done. 

Coworker says I have good music taste but I can’t tell if he’s just being nice. 

12:30: Tabbouleh salad, cherries, grapes, phone. 

14:00: Nearly play Fefe by 6ix9ine and Nicki but stop myself, then play it anyway. 

“I just don’t understand why she’d do that,” says Nigel. “As an artist, why would you side with anyone political? It just makes half the country hate you.”

“All art is inherently political, but it’s prob cos she’s coked out,” I reply. 

“I just wish people had more common sense. If I had a political party, I’d run on common sense.”

“Be careful with that. A lot of ‘common sense’ is based on tradition, or even means of oppression, which is inherently conservative.”

I explain how the ‘no hats inside’ rule was used to discriminate mailmen and other members of the working class, how ‘high brow’ and ‘low brow’ come from when we thought measuring skulls indicated intelligence, and the implications of a ‘master bedroom.’ 

15:19: Read willpower book. Gagged by “often the things we turn to for relief end up turning on us”

Learn about the terror something- threat of mortality. Open Twitter to see an ai video indistinguishable from reality w the caption ‘the end of time is near’ 

Think I’ve always hated when Christianity uses fear tactics to encourage people to believe, so why am I letting fear tactics control my social media addiction? I know social media is designed to anger then soothe us, how did I not realise it was happening to me in my phone? 

Think of Christianity again, and Marcus, and Oklahoma. 

Make list ‘Things that remind me of mortality’

• The photo of my grandma in the kitchen 
• My dogs limp and exhaustion 
• Arguably the posters on my bedroom wall 
• Many posts on Twitter 
• Deleting photos 
• Whenever mom talks about how diet impacts life expectancy 
• Whenever mom shows symptoms of early onset dementia 
• Memories of my favourite sleepy towns 
• Most intrusive thoughts I have 
• My decaying eyesight 
• Exes / things I’ve lost 

16:30: Accidentally open the store budgets sheet. Someone logged that I made $0.00 yesterday, despite me selling like a thousand dollars worth of stuff. I call Extravagant Linda. She says “It’s too late to change it now.” 

16:40: Coworker says something like “If I were in your shoes, and my coworkers were talking shit about me the way they talk about you, I’d probably quit.”

17:00: Walk back to car because I can’t afford lime. Pass someone that once pressured me into sex. We smile at each other. Drive to cemetery without using maps. Feel like my brain is growing. 

17:50: Most the tombstones are smothered with lichen and decay, and the graves unscathed are often missing letters. I write down the few phrases I can make out. 

‘A loving mother true and kind a beautiful memory left behind’

‘Thy will be done’

‘For he is so Precious to Me’

I laugh when I read ‘a sinner saved by grace,’ then wonder what these dead people would think of ChatGPT. 

I dance to a couple Ethel Cain songs until tears form in my eyes. I walk to the edge. Notice a path. Walk down. 

Damp. Dewy. 

Smells like honey and pine. 

Covelike trees. 

Man walks past wearing earmuffs. Striking face. Eyes don’t move. Doesn’t register me. 

Walk to end of path then return. 

Nice flowers. Dying, too. 

Bong smoke blown out of car windows. I try not to look, don’t want to make them anxious. 

Drive home. 

18:35: Mom asks if I feel like taking a bath. Converse, salad, make myself mad about something, go to bed. 

19:00: Talk to some twink on Grindr. 

Twink: Got much planned for your night? 

Me: I think I’ll stay in. There’s a drinks on. But idk if I care enough. I’m becoming more and more of a loser bum. 

Twink: I’m staying in as well. All my flatmates are out so I get the house to myself. Gonna watch a movie or two and have some drinks. I’m definitely a loser bum but it’s not my fault cause I only recently moved to Auckland and haven’t had the chance to make more friends yet 

Me: You do have the chance but you’re staying in to watch movies. I think staying in to watch movies is somewhat chic, but you can’t say you haven’t had the chance. 

Twink: That is very true honestly. I’m mainly just too scared to go out by myself cause I don’t want to get roofied or beat up haha 

Me: Then don’t drink and stay in crowded areas 

Twink: Those both sound like nightmares hahaha once my bestie is back from whangamata she said she’d start going out with me some weekends 

Me: Nightmares are just bad dreams. And they end. Theres no real harm to em even if they feel scary 

21:01: Wipe until bleeding again. Step into shower still clothed. Use showered as bidet. Stream too harsh. Wince. Yelp. Eyes wide. Won’t lower pressure. Back to bed. Legs still wet. Shirt spotty like rainfall.