liveblog 25/12/25

00:10: Check grindr one last time. Feel post-mild worry about getting fired for getting too epic online.

04:00-05:00: Wake to the rustling of paper and cautious footsteps. Don’t get back to sleep.

06:30: Throat sore. Left ear blocked. Pick up phone.

06:42: Try take flash photos of throat while saying “aghhh,” but cannot get even my uvula in frame.

07:39: Posted, deleted. Thought when will things get better? Jungle Bell Rock plays softly through the ceiling. Walk upstairs for a Qtip. Shower makes splatty sounds. Think whoever’s using the shower is a cunt.

07:52: Lying on the couch. Only half the Christmas tree is decorated. Mom comes downstairs. “You don’t seem very happy,” she says.

“I’m just chilling.”

“I’ve got some games for us to play when uncle and auntie come over. I hope you’re feeling up for them.”

“I feel kind of sick.”

“Are you going to bring up your Christmas stocking?”

“I guess so.”

“Don’t be too enthusiastic about all the hard work Santa put in.”

07:56: “I remember being quite upset on the first Christmas we’d lost dad,” mom says to the kitchen sink. 

Dad and brother argue about the ethics of slamming doors. 

07:56: Dad confirms Santa came at 4:50.  

08:22: mom accidentally drops the deodorant from Santa into my tea.

My favourite Santa gifts are these random seed balls that look like shit that you throw into your garden. Apparently they grow native flowers. Also appreciated are some ugly socks where 100% of the proceeds go to feeding Palestinian families. I ask mom why she still has Disney plus and buys sodastream bottles when Santa brings gifts like the socks. 

09:16: Head downstairs because Theodora calls. Accidentally get a boner after.

09:40: More presents, personal ones. Mom gifts me socks with the Troon flag on them. They ‘save lgbt lives,’ apparently. She brings out another present wrapped in brown paper. A photo of her and dad that she took from the wall.

Dad gifts me a photocopied book by a political cartoonist. Despite it being from the 60s, it’s darkwoke af.

I bought my brother a necklace, but because I have no money, my gift to the parents is reading out their Primal Zodiac. Dad’s a Limur, mom Ladybug, brother Yak, and I read mine, the orca. 

Mom says every line of Orca fits me, particularly how I expect worship as if it’s my birthright. 

We discuss going for a walk. I lie in bed as they get ready. 

11:00: Parents argue with brother because rather than wearing it around his neck, he insists on wearing the necklace as a chain hanging from his pocket. 

11:11: As we’re about to leave, uncle g and aunt V arrive. 

Auntie V wears shirt that says ‘Sometimes I work all day to get morning done,’ and a cast on her wrist. Uncle g wears a slogan tee similar to what he wrote to nana’s funeral. 

We head to the lounge. No party has gifts for the other.  

11:17: Dog walks in. She has a growth on her stomach and elbow. 

“I’ve realized I can’t do stairs forever,” Auntie V says.

They discuss Uncle G’s jobs. IT specialist and elevator technician. He says his boss has dipped into company money to buy a racecar, so he may be without a job soon. 

I pick at the dreadlock in the back of my hair.  

Dog breathes fast.  

Uncle G says he wants to go home. 

11:40 Auntie V does all the talking while Uncle G stares at the floor. 

11:45 Uncle G changes his glance to the window 

11:50: Mom changes the convo from dunking on trump to kfc. Uncle G asks if he can leave agin. They talk about how many windows my brother has broken. 

11:57: my parents walk auntie and uncle to their car. I walk watch Brother shoot hoops. The ball almost sounds metallic as he dribbles. 

12:10: Something feels too much. Run to bed and hide under covers. 

12:20: Jack off to an Ashton summers vid and feel slightly better. 

12:45: have urges to reply to the loveliest Christmas message I received, but can’t bring myself to. I want celebrate this persons commitment to spreading positivity, for still seeing kindness in me despite my blindness to it. I feel grateful for my friends and their patience with me, I want them to know that, but don’t feel like talking to anyone. 

On the verge of tears when brother says I can’t use his vape. 

13:03: think ‘I’ve fallen in love with you in every past life’ when a random pornstars video appears on the timeline.

13:20: stuff face with candy til I cannot differentiate flavours. Slip into a League of Legends game.

15:29: Extended family prepares lunch. My neck aches. There’s homemade pesto. Mom says ‘you love pesto.’ I don’t know where she got that information from. 

I eat my meal ‘deconstructed.’ Bread without a spread, a piece of butter, a few sausages.

Dog went missing, brother goes to look for her.

15:50: Back on League again.

22:41: Finally stepped away from computer. Think about the man who died cos he gamed five days without stopping.

23:09: Decide I need to look at the stars. Leave without putting shoes on. 

Under the streetlight, I realise my shorts are on backwards.  

Stare at the light for a while and can’t decide how it makes me feel. 

Lie on the footpath and play some type of association game. 

Streetlight:

Hair in way of vision when you look at the sun  

Silent fireworks 

Mecha heaven 

Stage lights 

Powerlines: 

Cracked phone screen 

Cage 

Can’t think of anything else, but they wobble gently in a breeze I can’t feel. 

Ribwort Plantain:

Summer 

Lux Lisbon lying in grass 

Nettles 

I Google types of weeds and read about them on the concrete. 

Then pull myself up, and walk to the end of the street, then back home, focusing on how the ground feels under my feet. 

23:50: Jack off thinking about Kyle then listen to Ethel Cain.