liveblog 24/12/25

Lowk forgot to note the first half of my day but it went like 

• 7:00 wake, straight to get STI test. Sing ‘your love is my drug’ while they take my blood 
• 10:00 drop film off for development 
• 10:30 Hang out with Blessy. She makes me cinnamon tea. 
• 11:00 start work. 

In that time I had a rly good convo in the twinkcest group chat where I complained about how this guy spoke to me about STIs. 

Don’t remember anything I thought. 

12:03: I ask my new coworker, Star, what he studies—Psychology and English.

He wishes he did criminology instead, cos English is full of weirdos, “the type of gay girls who change their names to Willow,” who enjoy animated fat lesbian shows. I ask why that makes them weird. 

“They just aren’t cool, y’know?”

“What makes them uncool?”

“They aren’t funny.”

“So humour is the line between cool and uncool?”

“No it’s…” Star looks up, then into my eyes. “Have you heard of jestermaxing?”

I tilt my head. 

“It’s like, being able to make fun of yourself.”

I scrunch my brows. “Like being self deprecating?”

“No, it’s more self aware than that. I guess what makes someone cool is self awareness.”

“I’ve met a lot of cool people, and trust me, so many of them only know how to talk about themselves, or whatever project they’re working on.”

“But they’re artists, so it’s different.”

12:25: Extravagant Linda leaves for break. Star tries to guess why I’m ’famous,’ then after dancing around the topic for like ten minutes, says his old manager knows who I am; he’s seen pornographic images and videos of me. 

13:10: “You could learn to do a few more things round here,” says Star. 

“I actually know how to do everything, I just pretend I don’t.”

Star’s eyes squint, then widen.

“You really should lift your weight more. Look at the others who started at the same time as you, they’re promoted, putting in heaps of effort, and look at you.” 

“I was joking.”

“Still.”

I sigh. “Minimum wage is minimum effort, and a casual contact is a casual attitude.” 

Star takes a step back and crosses his arms. “You’re lucky to have this job. Do you know how chill it is?”

“Star, if they could pay us lower, they would. If a workplace injury happened and we were unable to work, we wouldn’t get paid time off for it. Not to mention, they’re vindictive with hours, if you do something that upsets them, you’ll be working half a shift the following week.”

“But still you have to try. This is a great job to have. If you want more hours, you need to work harder.”

Since primary school I was taught if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all, so I pick up the glass cleaner and wipe the display. 

“I know you’re going through a hard time right now you, but you need to earn everyone’s trust back, or you’ll get replaced.”

I give him the AwkwardWhitePersonPursedLipsSmile but I’m Mad As Fuck. I’m not the coworker that comes in on coke, or the one that wakes up at 2pm and misses the entire shift, nor do I show up without uniform, or leave repair sheets empty. And why has a nineteen year old coworker who’s been here less than a month been told that I’ve lost everyone’s trust? Why is he forcing this insecurity driven people pleasing moral onto me?

“Well, don’t be pissy about it,” he says. 

“I don’t identify as pissy.”

Star opens his mouth to say something, then a customer walks in. 

Star greets her first, but she walks to me. 

While serving her, I drop a box of sharpies and pastel post it notes. I scoot the mess into a corner. “I’ll clean that up after,” I say with a smile. 

Star crouched and collects the loose pens. 

14:28: I leave to use the bathroom and run into Clément. I walk with him to the coffee shop and he shows me where the extra nice bathroom is. We make plans to hang after work. 

14:46: I’m in the backroom, on my phone, and ask if I can go on break. 

I float across the road. 

They’re not doing sub of the day anymore.   

Try not to think violent thoughts. Realise I’m without my headphones or camera, then march directly to the back room of work. I want to smack my head on the fridge. I want to lose my teeth on the table. 

Star walks in and hits his vape without looking at me. An email notification dings from my phone, and his eyes dart toward me. 

I gasp, clap my hands.“Yayyyy!”

“What is it?”

“I got invited to an early preview of Marty Supreme. That’s what I mean by slightly famous things happen to me.”

Star’s posture changes. “Sick. What kind of people are there?”

“Mostly media, or a few actors and film people.”

He nods. “Being a model, I’ve only been invited to afterparties.”

“I guess it’s an industry thing.”

15:01: Star walks into the back room again. “Would I be able to go on my break now?”

“I’ve got five more minutes.”

“I checked the time when you left and—“

“I’ve got five more minutes.”

15:04: The shop floor is too bright. “Are you doing anything for new years?” Extravagant Linda asks.

“No.” I fold my arms and lean against the wall. 

When Star comes back he tries to make small talk about The Hellp and asks if I’ve heard the song Choke Enough.

He then opens the work website and namedrops the models he recognises. 

16:26: Extravagant Linda calls something “povo.” Some old gay guy who definitely won’t buy anything because he only comes in to stare at me comes in. Star greets him first, and brings out a bunch of things for him to try on. The old gay doesn’t care about that stuff, he’s just happy to get male attention. 

17:30: Work ends, finally. The wind is harsh and the smell of dandruff slides off my head. 

I arrive at Mei’s. I hit her vape as she paints. 

18:15: I open her fridge. 

“Looking for food? You can have some.”

“Just browsing.”

“There’s ramen in the bottom drawer.”

I chuck the ramen in the microwave despite the packet saying it needs to be boiled. 

I ask Mei if she wants to ‘play the taste game,’ where she has a bite and describes the flavour, and I let her know how accurate her description is. 

It was saltier than I imagined it to be. 

18:46: The ramen has left the taste of unwashed dick in my mouth.  

I lie on the floor and stare at the ceiling. 

19:04: May heads to Kmart. I head home. 

19:30: “It’s nice to see you, Jack,” says mom. 

“I thought you’d want me here for Christmas Eve.”

Mom says there’s no dinner because she had KFC for lunch, the first time she’s eaten fried chicken in years. 

“Nice.”

“How was work?” My parents ask. 

“Kind of horrible.”

“Was it busy? You said you prefer busy days,” mom asks. 

“I’ve told you, I don’t like to talk about work, especially if it’s a bad day.”

Dad adjusts his glasses and sits up. “Which store did you work at?”

“Ponsonby. I said I don’t want to talk about it, there are plenty of other things I’m interested in, so why are you bringing up the one thing I hate?”

We’re silent for a bit. I stare out the window. Dad picks up the remote to resume their movie. 

I break the ice before he hits play. “How was the KFC?”

“It was nice, but it made me feel a bit sick,” says mom.“Would you like to order some?”

“No. I only like double lust thin stretched pizza, but it’s too expensive.”

“How about I pay?”

“Could you send the money first? I have nine dollars in my account.”

Mom pulls out her phone and opens the banking app. I think I hear dad say something about work again. 

I head to my brother’s room and ask what dessert he wants. His mirror is graffitied and walls spray painted, and it reeks of weed. On his spare mattress, I tell him I’d like to play him one song a day to hear his thoughts. Delighted, he agrees. Teen Queen by Salem is today’s choice.  

“This shit is creepy. Sends shivers down my spine, gang,” he says. 

“Can I lend you a bag for you and your friends to tag?” I ask. He’s excited by the idea. 

We deliberate on whether to walk or drive, and end up in my car. 

19:57: On the stairs up to the pizza place, we both take the first step, then jump the following two, and repeat. I make him ask for the order. 

He Snapchats the meal on the ride back. When his camera points to me, I don’t smile. 

We have the pizza, then he leaves his plate on the couch to get his weights to lift during the movie. While he’s gone, my dog steals a slice. He calls her a cunt as I pull it from her mouth. 

20:13: We settle on ‘Rise of the Guardians’ as our Christmas Eve movie. My family cozy up on the couch. I eat pizza and my desserts at the kitchen. 

I realise how similar I am to Jack Frost. 

Attention starved 

Skinny legged 

Blonde 

Flat assed 

Feel unseen, alone, not believed in

Just wants to help but often causes a mess 

Our ‘center’ / core is ‘fun,’ though I haven’t been feeling that much lately, as you know.  

21:15: I say I want sleep but family encourage to stay.  

The hardwood floor and my bony ass don’t mesh, yet I get off my barstool to slump against the pantry. I sink into the floor. 

Can’t bring myself to enter the same room as my family. 

21:43: My brother gets up to “piss and shit.” There’s still 15 minutes of movie left, but I excuse myself to listen to Wonderland by Kesha in bed. 

Feel really bad. Don’t know how else to say it. 

Update blog w le realtime notes. 

23:02: My hands still smell like ramen. 

23:55: Still on my phone.